There is no Earth, there is only me.

Im too soft for this world.

She called me ungrateful. How dare she. Does she think all of this is easy? All this shit I do and all this money I spend. And i don’t regret it at all, its how I want it to be, but she takes it all for granted and then tells me I’m ungrateful because I just wish she would be mine and only mine and call me her boyfriend and make me feel special. It’s just like my parents. I always do everything I can to help or make them happy and I’m wrong or it isn’t good enough or I never do anything for them. I hate me.

I need to call you so bad. But its really early and to be honest idk what to say so you’d probably just get mad. It’s just I need to hear your voice. I need to hear it, hear it tell me its okay. And that you love me. And for that aweful bitterness its been tainted by to just be exersized.

Do you remember? The egg chair? I let you sit with me. TOUCH me. The first. I was scared, my heart was freaking out. But I wanted it. It was so nice. To be near someone. So when we went to my mummums I sat with you. And we wrestled and everything. And at some point I forgot I was even nervous to let you touch me. For the first time in so long. I wonder if id still be like that today if it wasn’t for you. Some crazy guy who can’t make physical contact with anyone or he bugs out like he’s been burned.

You always did bring out the best in me. And your always helping me be better. Why can’t I help you? I used too. Maybe its because you won’t let me in. I let you in, you know everything about me. One day maybe you will. Id wait an eternity for you to be ready.

I wish I had the guts too just call.

A thought…I don’t make her happy…what if he would of? I want that more then anything. Id give my life for that. But why can’t I give up her for it?

Maybe I’m sick. I just don’t want anyone to leave me anymore.

And I want my mind to stop racing. I want to sleep. But I don’t. And even if I did my chest feels far too tight to anyway. My eyes ache so bad from being tired, working, and crying like a fucking shmuck.

This is all fallout from when I fucked up back in the Kaya days. I want to go back to that night at chicfila so bad. Take it all back and fix everything. I could choke the very life out of that little mick cunt. I can almost feel the skin of her warm neck in my hands. She fucking played me. She knows that. I know that. Everyone does. But I don’t think she has any idea how deep and hard she fucked me all those years ago.I don’t think alena will ever trust or love or open up to me like that again.

I just seem to make you miserable anyway. Maybe I should just go. In the long run you’d probably be so much happier. I’m nobody and ill never be anything. Wasted parts. I couldn’t though. I tried. I wanted to die. The second I heard her voice I gave up. It sounded like what those little honey flowers taste like. And she was scared to make any sound when I answered. She was afraid of me..I started crying in Kevins pitch black kitchen right away when she choked trying to say hello. I didn’t dare let her hear me cry though, idk if she did. Afterwards I just couldn’t do it. I don’t think I ever could as long as blood is following through this excuse of a person.

Maybe I shouldn’t if acted mad. She’s gonna wake up and hate me. I just want her to know how much this hurts. How much I love her and just want us to be happy. And why can’t we just be together, and forget about all these other people that make life so complicated like right now. All I want to do is get on me knees at her feet and say some words that dont fucking exist that tell her exactly how I feel about her. How my heart races a little everytime she answers the phone, how that never stopped from the very beginning. How I pretend she’s in my arms every night in bed. How I have notebooks full of poems about her, very few that she’s seen. How the only marks ive made in my sketchbook in years are my attempts to capture her beauty. How I eat things she likes during the week even if I hate them because I miss her. How everything in the entire world melts away when she holds me. How her lips feel like lighting when they touch mine. How sex trancends even passion for me sometimes with her and takes me to a whole other world. The desperate things I do when she doesn’t want me because it feels as though I’ve lost one of my very own limbs. How no matter why I say it I only ever try to stop smoking pot and cigarettes because I know she hates it. How I hate myself because I can’t seem to do that for her. How everyday I think about selling anything I can just to go see her for a few hours. How she encompasses everything. How I feel her inside me, all the time, soul to soul. Soul one. Even that. Says nothing. Words that do not exist in any tounge or language. Words that elude the human brain. They cannot be expressed, love, passion, admiration, adoration, hollow in comparison. But as much as I wish I could just make her understand, I just wish she felt like I feel so much more..

Maybe everyone’s been right. I probably am just fucking crazy. I don’t know how else this situation can make any sense. And so many have told me so, so many times. I think I’m gonna ask my mom to admit me woodberry tomorrow(It’s been almost 6 years since that dreadful place). If she won’t ill ask to see the Dr. So I can be on medication again(hello zombie). I don’t even care about being me anymore I just want to be normal. I want to not cry all the time when I’m by myself, I want to express my feelings and love and Passion like a normal person. and I never want to hear anyone call me crazy again. Never fucking again.